This is a Part Two. Please read "I Don't" (right below) first. Thaaaaaanks!
Monday night Ronny came over right after work, and was acting as though nothing had happened. He wanted to run some errands and then go look at used cars for sale. There was one dealer in particular that supposedly got in a Focus that he wanted to see. After looking at cars for a while (the Focus was not there), we went to the Brazilian place for dinner. As we finished eating, he brought up the discussion again. When we got back to my place, we sat in the car and hashed it out. He was still convinced that he meant “nothing” to me. I tried to explain that was not the case, while still maintaining my stance that I will be moving away (sometime) soon. I had to agree with his interpretation that I didn’t love him enough to not move, but objected to equating that with using him and not caring at all. He said he thought it would be best to break up now, rather than wait for me to dump him when I left. I had to agree that was fair. But then when we went inside (his keys were on my table), he decided that he wanted to break away gradually. He couldn’t go cold-turkey. I said we would do whatever he wanted. He said if it got too hard for him that he would cut it short. Then he kind of broke down and said that he is so alone, and if I leave him then he has nothing here. He said he’d have nothing to stay for and may as well go back to Brazil. I asked what he came here for to begin with. He said, “My dreams.” Then he added that I had become those dreams, and I was killing him by taking it away. Tuesday he sent a couple emails asking me to reconsider. I gently replied that I wasn’t changing my mind. He came over that night. But other than saying “I love you” a few times, it didn’t really come up. He did say he’d had a very bad day, thinking about me the whole time.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I Don't
(This was supposed to post on Monday, but I wasn't able to.)
Saturday I went into Boston to meet my friend Jennifer for the Chocolate Buffet at one of the Boston hotels. It was good, and very decadent. I thought some of the items were poorly done, though. The tiramisu was a cup of mush floating in weak coffee, and the chocolate crème brulee tasted like burnt pudding. For the most part, though, it was enjoyable. It did consist almost entirely of desserts, of course, so we left with that mildly nauseated sugar-rush, lack of protein feeling. We wandered down to Quincy Market area and Haymarket. Did some minor shopping. After a while, grabbed corn dogs (protein!), headed over to Filene’s Basement, then headed back.
Ronny came over when I got home, and we visited with some friends. Sunday, he and Cris went off somewhere. He claimed they wanted to go swimming at a pool, but it was like 71 and drizzling. He said he’d be back around 4pm, so at 4:15 I called. He was at Club Café (in Boston). He worked at 6, so he said they were leaving soon. He stopped by on his way back to change into work clothes, and give me my birthday present (he apologized for being late). He got me a shirt at Armani Exchange. It is nice, and fits well, though it is something I would never have picked out myself. When he came back from work, we were chatting for a bit on the couch. He brought up again the question of whether I would marry his sister so she could get a green card. I again said I was not comfortable with that. Then he switched to a hypothetical, and asked if I would marry him if they allowed green cards for that situation. I had to say that I would not. He got rather upset, and accused me of feeling nothing for him, and doing nothing to help him. I said he was taking it as too much of an all or nothing. I did have feelings for him and have done many things to help him, but marriage was just too big of a step that I could not say I was ready for. After some debate, he said he was tired and was going to bed. He did not say good night.
This morning when he got he got up, he did not say a word, and did not give me a customary kiss good-bye. Every couple months he seems to convince himself that since I haven’t left yet, that I must not be leaving. The reminders are always painful. According to the pattern, however, tonight he will apologize for over-reacting and tell me how much he loves and appreciates me.
Saturday I went into Boston to meet my friend Jennifer for the Chocolate Buffet at one of the Boston hotels. It was good, and very decadent. I thought some of the items were poorly done, though. The tiramisu was a cup of mush floating in weak coffee, and the chocolate crème brulee tasted like burnt pudding. For the most part, though, it was enjoyable. It did consist almost entirely of desserts, of course, so we left with that mildly nauseated sugar-rush, lack of protein feeling. We wandered down to Quincy Market area and Haymarket. Did some minor shopping. After a while, grabbed corn dogs (protein!), headed over to Filene’s Basement, then headed back.
Ronny came over when I got home, and we visited with some friends. Sunday, he and Cris went off somewhere. He claimed they wanted to go swimming at a pool, but it was like 71 and drizzling. He said he’d be back around 4pm, so at 4:15 I called. He was at Club Café (in Boston). He worked at 6, so he said they were leaving soon. He stopped by on his way back to change into work clothes, and give me my birthday present (he apologized for being late). He got me a shirt at Armani Exchange. It is nice, and fits well, though it is something I would never have picked out myself. When he came back from work, we were chatting for a bit on the couch. He brought up again the question of whether I would marry his sister so she could get a green card. I again said I was not comfortable with that. Then he switched to a hypothetical, and asked if I would marry him if they allowed green cards for that situation. I had to say that I would not. He got rather upset, and accused me of feeling nothing for him, and doing nothing to help him. I said he was taking it as too much of an all or nothing. I did have feelings for him and have done many things to help him, but marriage was just too big of a step that I could not say I was ready for. After some debate, he said he was tired and was going to bed. He did not say good night.
This morning when he got he got up, he did not say a word, and did not give me a customary kiss good-bye. Every couple months he seems to convince himself that since I haven’t left yet, that I must not be leaving. The reminders are always painful. According to the pattern, however, tonight he will apologize for over-reacting and tell me how much he loves and appreciates me.
Rag, rag, rag
Another example of why I hate working for the people I do: They use a uniform service. People can rent work clothes. So, they change here, leave the dirties here, and once a week, the service comes and does the laundry. The service also provides shop rags. Eight cents each to buy the rags, and four cents each to clean them. Dug, the owner’s son, and miserly cheapskate, switched to a new company. So, all the employees had to pay new set-up charges for new shirts. Dug wanted to force people to pay for the company badge on each one, but we avoided that one. The rags also got switched. The old provider used red rags, and the new ones are green (and not nearly as good). Dug felt there were too many rags being used for ‘inappropriate’ purposes. As an example, the ladies in Assembly would use a stack of about ten of them attached to the cheap chairs to provide some sort of cushioning. This was outrageous, of course. So, Dug only bought 500 rags for the whole company, and is rationing them out. It is now even more of a hassle to do the work because they wanted to save an extra $80. Seriously…
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
It's the Network
I was visiting with Russell last night, and he is contemplating two job offers again. The thought crossed my mind that he has advanced his career quite well, and that it is largely due to the networking advantage. He became friends with some important people at earlier jobs who have helped present opportunities along the way. The disadvantage (well, one of…) of working at a small family-run business, where most of the employees stay until retirement, is that it lacks outside contacts. The only network I developed would keep me here. Then I remembered the one network contact I did have, and the job I turned down. The guy who hired me at GE Power Systems had transferred to GE Medical in the Milwaukee area. I was in Wisconsin at the time, and he offered to get me in at Medical. If I recall, I turned it down because I didn’t want to be in Wisconsin for however much longer. In retrospect, that was probably a really dumb idea. After being in a nowhere job at a nowhere company in a nowhere town for 4 years now, I would have been much better off climbing the ranks of GE. I would have Six Sigma certification, medical requirement experience, and be in a large organization with facilities ALL over the place. In other words, as I look through job postings now, I would be qualified for many many more of the good jobs in cool locations. “If I knew then what I know now…”
Monday, June 19, 2006
Drama Pride!
This weekend was the Providence pride. I had forgotten about Providence, but Nish called Friday to ask if we’d be interested in going. Ronny said sure, so I told him to come back to my place right after he finished work on Saturday. Nish called at 3:45 to see what we were up to. Just as I told him Ronny wasn’t back from work, yet, he beeped in. I switched to over to Ronny. He was at the mall with his sister and was asking if I wanted anything from the food court. He said he’d get the food and by right over. So I told Nish to plan for 4:30, and I’d call back in like half an hour. Ronny showed up at 4:10. I told him we were leaving in a few minutes, but I wanted to eat in RI anyway. So we put his McD’s in the fridge, he took a shower, and I called Nish. Nish was late, so we got on the road about 4:50. Ronny complained to me that I made him hurry up, and we waited anyway.
Nish dropped us off at the Providence Place mall and then headed off to meet someone for a first date. We ate at Cheesecake Factory, and wandered around the festivities. Caught Kristine W’s live performance. She sang, played guitar, and wailed on the sax live. No Ashlee mix-ups for this dance diva! She hit Feel What You Want, so I was happy. Nish kept calling to say he was on his way, which turned out to be a darker-than-white shade of a lie. He was basically stringing us along (we had ridden in with him, so needed to meet back up). The parade was about 8:30 to 9:15. Nish showed up around 10:30. (The date went very well.) Ronny was getting extremely petulant about wanting to go home. Nish wanted to go out. I wanted to go out, too, but figured I shouldn’t fight Ronny too much. Plus, I had seen Sergio at the parade. He didn’t see me, so nothing happened, but I had a strong feeling if we went to the club, we’d bump into him. And I really didn’t feel like going through that. Ronny’s getting angry, and Nish says it’s really all my fault for suggesting we ride together when I ‘knew’ this would happen. Yeah thanks. In the end, Nish found some friends who could give him a ride home, so he let us take his car back. Ronny would not even speak to me the whole way home. I tried a kiss good-night, and he just turned away.
In the morning, he gets up, starts getting dressed, and still isn’t speaking. I ask him where he’s going, and he just says “home.” I ask why. He wants to watch the soccer game (Brazil was playing at 11.) He couldn’t watch it at my place because he wanted the announcing in Portuguese, and I don’t get that channel. Though I do get Univision, which has Spanish announcers. He came back over around 3:30 and wanted to go to Sears to buy an air conditioner for his room. I suggested Best Buy, but was shot down. I asked why he was so mad at me. He said we wasn’t mad, he had just been too tired to talk on the way home. I mentioned the kiss part, and he said, OK, he was a little upset, but not mad. I didn’t get any more than that.
Drove to Sears, he didn’t like the ones they had, so we wandered the mall a bit. I was kind of hungry, but he said he was not. As we passed a vending machine he decided he was thirsty. I suggested the food court instead, so I could get some food. When we get there he decides he wants a salad, so I showed him the make-your-own-salad place. I said I was heading to Arby’s to get a sandwich, and he gets all grouchy again, he wanted me to ‘help’ him. After showing him the scale at the register, I again said I wanted to head over to Arby’s. He snaps about why I won’t stay by him. So I snapped back that I was the one who was hungry in the first place, and I wanted to go get some food while he was getting his. He must have realized I was right because he dropped that one. After eating, we stopped at Best Buy (the guy locked the door after we came in – it was 6:10). They have their display models plugged in, so you can see how cold or noisy they get. After listening to them, and feeling the air, we picked a little Fridgidaire unit. The sales guy stops by, and Ronny asks how noisy they are. So the guy goes through the whole spiel about turning them on and listening to them. I still don’t know why we went through that twice. He seems to think stores always have additional items or information or pricing or sales or whatnot hidden away in a secret room that you can’t access unless you ask. Maybe it’s a Brazilian thing… But he bought the Fridgidaire. So, I was right. We could have gone to the Best Buy near my house, rather than go all the way to Sears, but I suppose he’s happier knowing he looked there. Incidentally, Sears would probably sell more units if they ran some power and let you turn on the air conditioners, like Best Buy lets you do.
Next weekend is NYC pride, and I had been trying to get ahold of a friend who lives there, but have been unsuccessful. I had told Ronny a month ago to take that weekend off. So, if NY doesn’t work out, I was thinking of doing Chocolate Buffet on Saturday and Six Flags on Sunday. On the drive back from A/C shopping, I ask if he still has next weekend off. He says he didn’t ask yet. Then complains that I never make any plans to do anything fun. I point out that I made plans this weekend, last weekend, and even for next weekend, but things never work out right. I also point out that it’s hard to make plans when he works all the time. He replies that he doesn’t work All the time, and we can do things on Saturdays. I bring up the night before (lightly). He doesn’t see how his work schedule had anything to do with that. I mention that if he didn’t want to be asleep by 9pm, we could have had more fun. He grumbles about how he needs to work, missing the starting point of the ‘discussion.’ I let it drop. Tuesday he starts at 4am, so Monday night I will try to follow up on weekend scheduling, but may not get a chance.
Nish dropped us off at the Providence Place mall and then headed off to meet someone for a first date. We ate at Cheesecake Factory, and wandered around the festivities. Caught Kristine W’s live performance. She sang, played guitar, and wailed on the sax live. No Ashlee mix-ups for this dance diva! She hit Feel What You Want, so I was happy. Nish kept calling to say he was on his way, which turned out to be a darker-than-white shade of a lie. He was basically stringing us along (we had ridden in with him, so needed to meet back up). The parade was about 8:30 to 9:15. Nish showed up around 10:30. (The date went very well.) Ronny was getting extremely petulant about wanting to go home. Nish wanted to go out. I wanted to go out, too, but figured I shouldn’t fight Ronny too much. Plus, I had seen Sergio at the parade. He didn’t see me, so nothing happened, but I had a strong feeling if we went to the club, we’d bump into him. And I really didn’t feel like going through that. Ronny’s getting angry, and Nish says it’s really all my fault for suggesting we ride together when I ‘knew’ this would happen. Yeah thanks. In the end, Nish found some friends who could give him a ride home, so he let us take his car back. Ronny would not even speak to me the whole way home. I tried a kiss good-night, and he just turned away.
In the morning, he gets up, starts getting dressed, and still isn’t speaking. I ask him where he’s going, and he just says “home.” I ask why. He wants to watch the soccer game (Brazil was playing at 11.) He couldn’t watch it at my place because he wanted the announcing in Portuguese, and I don’t get that channel. Though I do get Univision, which has Spanish announcers. He came back over around 3:30 and wanted to go to Sears to buy an air conditioner for his room. I suggested Best Buy, but was shot down. I asked why he was so mad at me. He said we wasn’t mad, he had just been too tired to talk on the way home. I mentioned the kiss part, and he said, OK, he was a little upset, but not mad. I didn’t get any more than that.
Drove to Sears, he didn’t like the ones they had, so we wandered the mall a bit. I was kind of hungry, but he said he was not. As we passed a vending machine he decided he was thirsty. I suggested the food court instead, so I could get some food. When we get there he decides he wants a salad, so I showed him the make-your-own-salad place. I said I was heading to Arby’s to get a sandwich, and he gets all grouchy again, he wanted me to ‘help’ him. After showing him the scale at the register, I again said I wanted to head over to Arby’s. He snaps about why I won’t stay by him. So I snapped back that I was the one who was hungry in the first place, and I wanted to go get some food while he was getting his. He must have realized I was right because he dropped that one. After eating, we stopped at Best Buy (the guy locked the door after we came in – it was 6:10). They have their display models plugged in, so you can see how cold or noisy they get. After listening to them, and feeling the air, we picked a little Fridgidaire unit. The sales guy stops by, and Ronny asks how noisy they are. So the guy goes through the whole spiel about turning them on and listening to them. I still don’t know why we went through that twice. He seems to think stores always have additional items or information or pricing or sales or whatnot hidden away in a secret room that you can’t access unless you ask. Maybe it’s a Brazilian thing… But he bought the Fridgidaire. So, I was right. We could have gone to the Best Buy near my house, rather than go all the way to Sears, but I suppose he’s happier knowing he looked there. Incidentally, Sears would probably sell more units if they ran some power and let you turn on the air conditioners, like Best Buy lets you do.
Next weekend is NYC pride, and I had been trying to get ahold of a friend who lives there, but have been unsuccessful. I had told Ronny a month ago to take that weekend off. So, if NY doesn’t work out, I was thinking of doing Chocolate Buffet on Saturday and Six Flags on Sunday. On the drive back from A/C shopping, I ask if he still has next weekend off. He says he didn’t ask yet. Then complains that I never make any plans to do anything fun. I point out that I made plans this weekend, last weekend, and even for next weekend, but things never work out right. I also point out that it’s hard to make plans when he works all the time. He replies that he doesn’t work All the time, and we can do things on Saturdays. I bring up the night before (lightly). He doesn’t see how his work schedule had anything to do with that. I mention that if he didn’t want to be asleep by 9pm, we could have had more fun. He grumbles about how he needs to work, missing the starting point of the ‘discussion.’ I let it drop. Tuesday he starts at 4am, so Monday night I will try to follow up on weekend scheduling, but may not get a chance.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Tikka
Nish took me out for dinner the other night, in honor of my getting old. Ronny was at work that night, so I took advantage of the opportunity to get Indian food. The food in India uses a lot of spice, and everything has some degree of heat. Ronny is allergic to hot spices (capsaicin, I believe), so the one night we all went for Indian together was a bit of a disaster. But I totally missed Tikka Masala, so jumped at the chance! Mango lassi is also quite yummy.
Nish and Mark broke up recently. I think this is the third major break-up, among many little near-break-ups, but I think this time it is for good. It was the first that neither one was all weepy and questioning and wanting to get back together. (The time apart from the previous break-up changed them enough to make this past attempt more difficult.) Anyway, Mark is still roommates with Sergio, so over the past year and a half, Nish has spent a fair amount of time over there and had become better friends with Sergio. (Mark kind of hates Worcester, so they were usually in Boston.) Nish didn’t bail from the parade last weekend like we did, and apparently kept bumping into Sergio there.
Our dinner conversation, therefore, seemed to drift into Sergio territory a lot. Mostly about how he smokes too much pot, dates all the wrong people because he’s looking for superficial things, isn’t mature enough to understand the true bonds of a real relationship (i.e. “he’s hot” is not one of them), and on occasion still asks about me. In an ideal world, I would be able to discuss things like that with about as much emotional investment as discussing the weather. It is not an ideal world, however. I could feel my stomach tighten as the conversation rolled along. He apparently even stayed at Nish’s place for a few days one time when rather distraught over getting dumped. The immediate reaction in my heart was along the lines of “he was three blocks away and I missed it!” For the time being, Nish and Mark are not associating (the healing-distance phase), so there won’t be more vicarious connection with the Baiano. (That’s the term Ronny uses if he refers to Sergio. The term means someone from the Brazilian province of Bahia, so there are millions of ‘baianos’ in the world. Cris is technically one, too. But Ronny uses the term, heavy with disdain, as a reference to one specific person. They’ve never met, but there is still something akin to jealousy involved.)
Nish and Mark broke up recently. I think this is the third major break-up, among many little near-break-ups, but I think this time it is for good. It was the first that neither one was all weepy and questioning and wanting to get back together. (The time apart from the previous break-up changed them enough to make this past attempt more difficult.) Anyway, Mark is still roommates with Sergio, so over the past year and a half, Nish has spent a fair amount of time over there and had become better friends with Sergio. (Mark kind of hates Worcester, so they were usually in Boston.) Nish didn’t bail from the parade last weekend like we did, and apparently kept bumping into Sergio there.
Our dinner conversation, therefore, seemed to drift into Sergio territory a lot. Mostly about how he smokes too much pot, dates all the wrong people because he’s looking for superficial things, isn’t mature enough to understand the true bonds of a real relationship (i.e. “he’s hot” is not one of them), and on occasion still asks about me. In an ideal world, I would be able to discuss things like that with about as much emotional investment as discussing the weather. It is not an ideal world, however. I could feel my stomach tighten as the conversation rolled along. He apparently even stayed at Nish’s place for a few days one time when rather distraught over getting dumped. The immediate reaction in my heart was along the lines of “he was three blocks away and I missed it!” For the time being, Nish and Mark are not associating (the healing-distance phase), so there won’t be more vicarious connection with the Baiano. (That’s the term Ronny uses if he refers to Sergio. The term means someone from the Brazilian province of Bahia, so there are millions of ‘baianos’ in the world. Cris is technically one, too. But Ronny uses the term, heavy with disdain, as a reference to one specific person. They’ve never met, but there is still something akin to jealousy involved.)
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Wet and wild
I made plans to head into Boston for the weekend. Boston pride parade was Saturday at noon. (Though I heard it was delayed until 1pm.) The weather did not cooperate, though. Rain, cold, wind, cloudy, ick... Standing outside watching a parade in that is just not that enticing of an idea. Plus, with that kind of weather, there won't be any half-naked hotties on the floats!! So then, there's just no point! ;)
But we did go out Friday night. Went to Machine with my friends Mike and Joel. Ronny and I headed onto the dance floor (Cris was possibly there, but he couldn't get ahold of him on the phone, so wasn't sure). I saw Brian, so I went up and said hello. Then the guy next to him turned around, and it was Adrian. (Brian and Adrian had made out with me once on nearly exact spot on the Machine dance floor a couple years ago, which led to a 3-way...) The two of them started in on a three-way-kiss, but I kind of pulled back a little and introduced them to my boyfriend. They lost a little bit of the glint in their eyes after that. Oh well. Wandered around. Little bit later, bumped into Mark (roommate of my ex Sergio, and recent ex of my friend Nish who was scheduled to be in the parade that I didn't end up going to). Said hello to him. Then his friend Chuck came over to say hello, and did that annoying "Do you remember me?" thing. It's like, yes, I do remember. It's just that I never liked you... Well, I didn't say the second part.
Ronny didn't seem to sleep too well when we got back to Mike's place. In the morning he took some aspirin from the bathroom cabinet to ease his headache. It turned out to be a PM recipe, so he spent the rest of the day napping.
Last weekend, we met up with Brad to see X-men 3. Okay movie. Not as mind-blowing as it had the potential to be. Cris didn't make it. Brad was more than a little upset, since Cris wasn't answering or returning his calls. We went back to Brad's house after the movie to hang out, and Cris was there sleeping on the couch. Brad tried to wake him, but he was not budging. So, he stopped trying. I think he went to the bathroom. So, Ronny tried waking Cris by reaching down his shorts and grabbing his dick. I was a little shocked. Told him not to. He did not seem to think it was a big deal. Cris didn't wake up. Ronny made the comment "it's so soft." I still am not sure exactly what he meant by that. But I tried to say I didn't think was very nice for him to do. Didn't sink in. I will admit that I may have been more bothered than I should have been because part of me wanted to be the one grabbing. Which may have led to the following dream sequence. I finally had dreamsex with Cris. The four of us were all on vacation together (again). Ronny and Brad were each off somewhere, and Cris was sleeping. I got in bed next to him. He made the first move, I responded positively, and things happened. It was just a dream, but it was still fun! I'm so horrible...
But we did go out Friday night. Went to Machine with my friends Mike and Joel. Ronny and I headed onto the dance floor (Cris was possibly there, but he couldn't get ahold of him on the phone, so wasn't sure). I saw Brian, so I went up and said hello. Then the guy next to him turned around, and it was Adrian. (Brian and Adrian had made out with me once on nearly exact spot on the Machine dance floor a couple years ago, which led to a 3-way...) The two of them started in on a three-way-kiss, but I kind of pulled back a little and introduced them to my boyfriend. They lost a little bit of the glint in their eyes after that. Oh well. Wandered around. Little bit later, bumped into Mark (roommate of my ex Sergio, and recent ex of my friend Nish who was scheduled to be in the parade that I didn't end up going to). Said hello to him. Then his friend Chuck came over to say hello, and did that annoying "Do you remember me?" thing. It's like, yes, I do remember. It's just that I never liked you... Well, I didn't say the second part.
Ronny didn't seem to sleep too well when we got back to Mike's place. In the morning he took some aspirin from the bathroom cabinet to ease his headache. It turned out to be a PM recipe, so he spent the rest of the day napping.
Last weekend, we met up with Brad to see X-men 3. Okay movie. Not as mind-blowing as it had the potential to be. Cris didn't make it. Brad was more than a little upset, since Cris wasn't answering or returning his calls. We went back to Brad's house after the movie to hang out, and Cris was there sleeping on the couch. Brad tried to wake him, but he was not budging. So, he stopped trying. I think he went to the bathroom. So, Ronny tried waking Cris by reaching down his shorts and grabbing his dick. I was a little shocked. Told him not to. He did not seem to think it was a big deal. Cris didn't wake up. Ronny made the comment "it's so soft." I still am not sure exactly what he meant by that. But I tried to say I didn't think was very nice for him to do. Didn't sink in. I will admit that I may have been more bothered than I should have been because part of me wanted to be the one grabbing. Which may have led to the following dream sequence. I finally had dreamsex with Cris. The four of us were all on vacation together (again). Ronny and Brad were each off somewhere, and Cris was sleeping. I got in bed next to him. He made the first move, I responded positively, and things happened. It was just a dream, but it was still fun! I'm so horrible...
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